oh my word my heart goes out to this person and the little 11-year-old that did this. it’s difficult enough, as an adult, to sometimes identify terrible feelings and deal with them consciously. to feel so terrible, so utterly engulfed by rage and pain, confusion and helplessness, is a living hell.
being a kid is intense. a new human with no experience – or the kind of experience that engenders compassion – no concept of time or futures feeling better, no agency or self-determination… some people never grow out of this.
instead of drowning kittens, they hurt themselves or those around them.
maybe shame has a place in our lives, like little alarm bells warning that help is needed
dear postcard sender inner. you’re unlikely to read this, but if you were my friend i’d tell you you were forgiven and to forgive your young, angry, sad self for acting out the only way that made sense. because it did make sense at the time. if we cannot kill ourselves, if we cannot control or kill our rage and the people who caused it, then we do something else with that pain.
some people kill themselves slowly with drugs or food or cutting. others disengage from life and go to sleep or get lost in fantasy lives. others become abusers, violent and lost.
maybe shame has a place in our lives, like little alarm bells warning that help is needed. i hope you got help for your 11 year old self; i hope your adult self doesn’t use this as endless self-torture.
i am reminded of a little quote i read on the back of one of those sugar packets: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama
the thing is, i remembered the quote like this: If you want to be happy, practice compassion for others. If you want to be truly happy, practice compassion for yourself.
i like you big d, but i think my version of that compassion quote works better.
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