Ask Dot :: He doesn’t want me to meet his friends and family

ostrich

i’m not saying you’re ignoring an issue, i’m just saying you’re ignoring an issue

Dear Dot
I’ve been seeing this guy for about six months. We met at a party and get along super well. We don’t live in each other’s pockets, but we hang out about twice a week, the sex is great and we talk and email a lot. The problem is that I’ve never really met any of his friends of his family. He doesn’t really ever want to meet my friends and doesn’t want to connect on Facebook. I keep trying to have the ‘what are we’ talk but he always avoids this conversation. Am I being an idiot? I don’t think so, I think we just have space. But my friends say I’m being stupid. What do you think?
Just wondering

Watch/listen to the recorded answer on Ballz Radio…

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Dear JW

i long to break this as gently as possible. so, so so gently. but here’s the thing…  i don’t think you’re in a RELATIONSHIP relationship with this guy. either not an exclusive relationship and you’re the DL, or just not a relationship he wants to admit to at all. in other words, he’s not your boyfriend and you’re not his girlfriend.

it’s a HUGE marker when the person you consider your significant other isn’t including you in their lives in some way – not having you meet the friends or family, not integrating you in their social media in some way (no pics ever, no mentions, no records, no nothing etc)…

it’s a HUGE marker when the person you consider your significant other isn’t including you in their lives in some way

look, if it was JUST that he didn’t want to connect on facebake i could get behind that. i’m a little weird on facebook with partners also and prefer just to keep my actual personal life shit separate from it. but it’s not just that. it makes me wonder if he schedules seeing you (is there ANY spontaneity in your meets?), does he go out with you, take pics with you …

space is good, i like space. it’s important. but if there is more space than connecting after six months then you might need to get honest with what is going on – and be honest about what you want and what you’re getting.

this is maybe you, maybe

this is maybe you, maybe

a chat about where you guys are emotionally is a totally valid and healthy conversation. it lets you know where you are so that you can assess your own future and establish which needs are and aren’t being met. check-ins are emotionally responsible and necessary.

When your honey avoids ‘the talk’ or trips it up wherever they can, they’re essentially stopping you from moving forward with your life

when your honey avoids ‘the talk’ or trips it up wherever they can, they’re essentially stopping you from moving forward with your life and/or saying they’re not ready to define your relationship. and that’s not really very fair or very nice of them.

you can’t force someone to have this ‘what the hell are we’ chat.

but if being ‘scared’, a ‘commitment-phobe’ or ‘not into that kind of thing where we meet friends and family’ is stopping him from opening his manmouth to speak, you shouldn’t be putting your life on hold for that.

what you can do is decide what is best for you. and maybe this kind of set-up really IS cool for you. but the fact that you ‘keep trying’ to have the chat and are upset by the exclusion from his life suggests that you’re not happy with the situation. and so, sticking around with a partner who is not being upfront with you is a little silly. cos you’re only hurting yourself in the long run.

This question was first answered on Ballz Visual Radio…

Some other goodies you might like to hear about and read about…

Words that i made from my brain that i think you will like

this is what i look like when i think up new words. except without the beard. and glasses. and robes. and old man face. also i don't use an elder wand.

this is what i look like when i think up new words. except without the beard. and glasses. and robes. and old man face. also i don’t use an elder wand. and i’m not dumbledore. *SURPRISE!*

what follows is an incomplete list of my words and phrases that i have made up so far, inspired by my latest which i shall put first. (i don’t care if you don’t like them, it’s my blog and i’ll word if i want to)

perdroosel, perdrooselling verb : this is the acting of drooling while perusing my NSFW posts. perdrooselling. eg, Hey! Get back to work, I don’t pay you to perdroosel porn all day!

fringle noun : this is a person who is only friends with you when they are single eg, I don’t know how paul is doing cos he got that new BF and he’s too busy to hang out. guy is such fucking fringle.

Urgh she’s been such a social buttercry this past month

overconversate verb : when you overcompensate for overshare in a conversation by talking too much to bury the TMI with more words but just make it more obvious and weird. eg, I told my boss about getting drunk last night and just totally overconversated like a dork. Now he knows i like to sleep with my teddy and sometimes piss the bed

social buttercry noun : that thing you become after a break-up where you basically go from one party or venue to a next to forget your heartache but then some sympathetic, terribly concerned soul’s, like, ‘so how ARE you really?’ and then you become a weeping mess and have to leave … or maybe that’s just me. eg, Urgh she’s been such a social buttercry this past month i don’t think she should go on the cruise this weekend. it’ll be such a buzzkill.

dialogueing verb : those conversations you make in your head with someone you’re emotively involved with, where you ask or answer imaginary questions or pose scenarios to the object of your love/irritation/anger/lust etc etc eg, God all this dialogueing is driving me crazy! I should probably just call him and see what he actually thinks… More

*** NEW ENTRY FROM THE INIMITABLE KELSEY ‘BRIGHT EYES’ WIENS ***

douche tuque (‘doosh tooook’) noun :

douchetuque

That’s all for now folks, i’ll add the others when i remember them xx