Not sure what you’re doing wrong in the sack? Dorothy Black would like to tell you…
Sometimes the only people who can tell you what’s what when it comes to your love life are your friends. They’ve got perspective on your character, know all your emo soft spots, and can spot the crazy little things you do that pop potential love bubbles.
Pity they can’t hang out with you in the bedroom to gently point out the sex foibles that are dissing your pleasure game.
That’s why I’m here. And I’m not tryna come down on you, but there are some things you might be doing that aren’t cool – not for your bed pal, sure, but most of all not for you.
Putting on a pretence.
Stop faking orgasms and stop pretending to like stuff you don’t like. If you’re with partners who expect you to fake it to stroke their ego, you shouldn’t be shagging them; if you’re faking because the sex is terrible, stop having that kind of sex; and if you’re pretending to be into stuff you’re not because you think you’re expected to act a certain way, then you’re only doing yourself a disservice.
You’ll never figure out what you really like if you’re too busy pretending to like what you think someone else likes.
Not saying what you need.
Unless you’re literally banging a mind reader, you need to tell your guy what you like and what you want. Expecting him to know exactly what works for you – and then to do exactly what works for you perfectly first time – is setting yourself up for disappointment. Saying that, you don’t need to be a drill sergeant about it (unless that’s the play, nudge nudge).
There’s a wide line between saying what you like and being cruel and critical of your lover’s moves, so it should be easy to figure it out.
Acting out a role.
Sometimes people get so caught up in acting out a role that they forget to be present. Roles could include being a shy flower, being the all-knowing sex kitten, the pushy dominant, the romantic love-maker… Save these one-man shows for an actual role-playing session. Rather use all that energy for being emotionally available and open to the sex you’re having.
There is no bigger buzzkill than comparing. That includes comparing yourself to their previous lovers, or comparing your present lover to your previous ones. Each combination of people will create a new and unique experience. Your only job is to enjoy the combination you and your present partner make.
Sure, your brain is your biggest sex organ, but it’s also the biggest shot of novocaine to your genitals if it’s full of issues. Some people who have gone through trauma around sex, love and intimacy might ‘switch off’ during sex, ‘lying back and thinking of England’ while he ‘gets it over with’. If this is something you can relate to, you need to ask questions about why you’re getting naked.
This is that hyper ‘there-ness’ that keeps you from letting go and feeling into sensation and enjoying the moment. It’s overthinking your every move and every moment – ‘Is this right?’, ‘Is it working?’, ‘Am I doing ok?’, ‘Do I look ok?’, ‘What is he thinking?’ etc etc. In a way, it’s a form of signing out from the intimate moment in that your constant need to control the situation means you don’t have to actually be emotionally available to the experience.
The minute your brain starts making buzzing noises, take a moment to slow down the sex and come back to the moment by focusing on the physical sensations you’re enjoying.
Letting your body issues get in the way of your body having fun.
Ever said you don’t want to try a position because of how you think you’ll look in it? Stop that shit. Life is too short and your booty too fine not to have as much fun with it as you possibly can. If you are with someone who is trying to make you feel crappy for how your body looks, you shouldn’t be letting them get naked with it. Inhibition is a huge passion-killer – for you.
Being a passive passenger.
You co-create your sex life culture with your partner, so take an active role in the process. Initiate sex, use your imagination, move your body…
Getting too comfortable with comfortable.
This is a major shout-out to long-term relationships. Yes, you can’t be Mata Hari 24/7 and sometimes you need to chill out in your jammies and fluffy slippers. But I would argue that your inner sex goddess isn’t going to be getting herself into a feverish pitch of lust covered head to toe in flannel. I know that the conversation around this is usually angled around what is good ‘for him’, but if you want to access your sexy for anyone, you can’t lose touch of it for yourself. Get sensual for you, get sexy for you.
Freaking out at suggestions.
Don’t jump to conclusions if he suggests something new. There’s nothing to get defensive about – they’re just ideas. Unless he’s suggesting a romp with zombie dolphins or your sister, hear him out fully – without any eye rolling. The safer the space, the more you’ll be able to lay your kinks on the table for discussion.