Ask Dot :: When it comes to one night stands…

when i do some Q&A talks with groups (all women, so far), i usually hand out some little cards and pens and ask everyone to write down a question they’re too shy to ask upfront.

i’ve kept all of these as reminders of where the real info is needed. i’ll post these in the ask dot section sometimes…


‘Why do guys have sex? I’ve wondered why my one night stands have happened. Do they find me attractive or is it just that i am willing…’

chikka. why does anyone have sex? what are you wanting from it? there are as many reasons to have sex as there are jelly belly jellybean flavours.

why does anyone have a one night stand? the sex is available and the people willing. i’m not going to say attractiveness doesn’t come into it, but tbh people can be real dogs when the boozing is on. any hump will do.

which is why the real question here isn’t about why they’re having one night stands – it’s: why are you?

sex is never, ever going to make you feel worthy of love and desire

a ONS is basically scratching a physical itch. like an itch, after you scratch it, it should stop and you should feel satisfied. likewise, after you’ve humped to your heart’s content, it should be happy high fives all round and so long and thanks for the fish … and you carry on with your day, your itch scratched.

if you’re spending days stressing over whether s/he’ll call or liked you or thought you were worthwhile, you’re doing ONSs wrong.

why are you having sex and, in particular, this style of sex?

if you’re feeling sad, used, abused, rejected, abandoned and ashamed after a ONS, you’re doing it wrong.

if you’re looking for love, deep validation, cuddles and intimacy that last longer than a few hours, you’re doing it wrong.

if you need to know that you’re beautiful, acceptable, sexy and desirable, ONSs are not always the best way to go.

why are you having sex and, in particular, this style of sex?

sex is never, ever going to make you feel worthy of love and desire. just like being a millionaire will never be enough to make you feel rich. that stuff comes from the inside.

sometimes we meet people who can take us through beautiful sexual experiences that open us to our sense of self love and worth, desirability and  beauty…

the chances of that happening on a ONS with some random is super unlikely.

you can afford to take your time

so the next time you say ‘yes’ to some guy trying to pick you up for a ONS, ask yourself what you want from the experience. and then make your choice based on YOUR best interests – whether that’s hopping into a cab to get to his place pronto, or catching a cab back home for snacks and a snooze.

you can afford to take your time. there is always going to be sex to be had.

love and sweet belly rubs,

Late night notes about hay money and hope

i'll take five

i’ll take ten

i don’t care how other freelancers or writers try to palm off their lifestyles to you, but all being freelance really means is never having to get up off your chair.

like, ever.

given enough chance, entire days can fly by without every having to move more than a stretch to get the water bottle you stupidly left on the far side of the desk three hours ago.

I went for a walk to do grocery shopping this evening and i swear it might be the most exercise i’ve done in a week.

this is not great. i don’t consider this a fabulous life plus. there is no gwyneth-inspired ‘life-work’ balance here. what there is, though, is a lot of teetering towards hope. hope and hay money.

if you’re self-employed you’ll know about hay money: bust your balls while the sun shines etc.

so that’s actually all cool. i’m happy to endure a little life imbalance for balanced budgets.

as for the ‘hope’ part…

I’m busy with this book i told you about.

i’ve had a bit of a trying week with my confidence around writing this little paper-based ditty. i’m suddenly very aware of how out of the bookie world i am. i don’t ‘go’ in the right circles, i don’t call the right connections my friends, and i’m not likely to brown-nose my way to being besties with people simply for networking bumps. i’m not really part of any literary collective.

i write in speaking english.

and what i keep getting told is how much of a hard-sell my book is going to be in south africa. it’s not romantic chick-lit posing as sex; it’s not sexy little somethings sponsored by cosmo; it’s not soft-porn with 50 shades of dull characters…

it’s really just sex. non-fiction that’s not wearing panties to the smartypants book launch, if you know what i mean.

and, i’m told by some, that saffars will veer right the fuck away from anything that deals too frankly with sex and therefore the book.

i found this, i don't know who it belongs to or if it's entirely relevant, but i like it

i found this, i don’t know who it belongs to or if it’s entirely relevant, but i like it. i’m either the dog or the guy.

in a way it confirms my personal experience to some degree. corporate SA wants sexy, not sex. NGO SA wants sexual and reproductive health and education, not sexy sex, sex or pleasure.

but with people people? is this is really the case?

all my experience has told me this isn’t true. that women, especially, are ready for these conversations, that they’re having them already – just in small or unkind circles.

maybe i’m wrong about that. i sure hope not.

it’s difficult remaining detached from a subject when its importance is so personal

you know, my aim was to be a fiction writer (it still is, but don’t tell anyone). when i started blogging about sex and relationships, i was taking the piss to pass the time. when the column started it was all still fun and games.

but then people started asking very personal questions and sharing parts of their life with me. it suddenly it stopped being (just) for shits and giggles. these were real people, not just me and my issues.

it’s difficult to remain detached from a subject when its importance is so personal to the people engaging in the conversation. a subject that’s become so personal and interesting to me…

so now i’m writing each day on this book that maybe five of you will read.



i guess that’s why the first question the eye, my publisher and my editor each asked separately was: ‘Why are you writing this book? (Because we hope it’s not for any possible fortunes)…’

luckily my reason is a simple one: there’s no other choice really. this book must out.

oh well.

at least one can still make hay money from other words

right after i get some sleep…