Postsecret pic of the week :: Make-up and me (and who is it all for exactly?)


i feel this person’s vibe. i really do.

i’ve had a tricksy personal journey with body image and make-up. nothing worth delving into here. but in my Grey Period of Where All Humans Could Fuck Right Off, i wrote about the ridiculousness of make-up and how we’ve misplaced sentiment about this modern-day war paint.


although i’ve softened towards this strange face colouring we do, it’s disheartening how it holds sway over some women’s confidence. disheartening, not surprising.

regardless of the myriad ways to see the peculiar business of ‘beauty’, the most popular is as a product that needs to be sold. and the only way to sell something, of course, is to make you think you need it, because you lack it.

we’re so enmeshed with the system we barely the notice the tiny ‘buy make-up’ barbs that litter every sellable space from magazines to social media:

here, use this eyebrow pencil for your eyebrows that are too thin/bushy/wide apart/narrow … use this lipstick for your lips that are too thin/droopy/full/round … use contouring for your face that is too wide/round/jaw-y/long … use blusher for your skin that is too sallow/pale etc etc … even out your skin tone, watch your hairline and do something about those teeth…

If you just stopped being too this or that you would almost be perfect. Almost.

…OH and also, remember to cover your wrinkles, your stretch marks, your cut marks, your scars, your mummy tummy, your cellulite… you want a beach body not a freak body when you take those clothes off (keep the make-up on though)…




basically, the entire system is there to create enough self-hate to crack a titanium hull so that they can sell you the polyfilla called ‘a store card’, ‘botox’, ‘some snakeskin oil of young sea root’ and ‘50% off’…

chrissis, for a whole industry based on women, the marketing around it sure hates everything about us and our bodies.

and it’s a pity, because i’ve learnt how much fun make-up has the potential to be. not as a way to change yourself to look a ‘better’ more homogenous way, but rather as a kind of self-expression. there is fun to be had with all that war paint theatre mask make-up, but i’ve never learnt about that from the inside of a women’s magazine or on beauty blog.

you'll be washed out, travesty, minimise those ugly features

you’ll be washed out, it’ll be a travesty, and you want to minimise those ugly features (just a quick google search for ‘everything is wrong with your face’ led me to ‘’)

i’ve learnt it from places like afrikaburn, burlesque, make-up artists, YouTube and drag queens. i know friends who could say the same for MCQP, theatre and trance parties. 

i dunno. wouldn’t it be cool if one’s ‘normal’ face was good enough, and you didn’t need to choose between a few more zzzs and waking up at 5 am to do your hair&make-up every morning? what if you could reserve these big creations for big parties or when you felt like putting on a show?

god, how much time and money would be saved then? how much better would we like ourselves?

urgh. oao lovely plums. check out more postsecrets here.

tappity tap tap you later.

Let’s talk penetration and dildos with the Bouncer (sadly, NOT a person)


What it is

The Bouncer is basically a souped-up dildo from one of my fave sex toy producers, Fun Factory.

What makes it extra sassy compared to its straight up-and-down peers are its extra features, such as three internal rotating weights, well-placed bulges and curve, and a wide base.

It’s this base that really expands its functionality, making it suitable for anal play, for use in strap-ons and as a suction for sticking against smooth surfaces.

How it works

In case you don’t know, dildos are not vibrators. There’s no internal motor that will buzz your clit to orgasm heaven. But this works in their favour in other ways – no motors means dildos can be all kinds of bendy and curvy for you to access all those hard-to-reach places. So dildos excel as purely penetrative toys for vaginal and anal use (remember: anything you stick up your bum must have a stopper-type base).

But what’s great about the Bouncer, are those three rotating weights that jingle about as you move, stimulating in surprising ways, much like Fun Factory’s Smartballs will do. It’s firm flexibility coupled with that divine curve and wavy shapes means massages all the right spots internally. Also, the wide base really does make a difference to those little-enjoyed erogenous zones around the vaginal opening.

Bouncer body

(an aside about penetrative sex…)

Now, let me just digress for a moment here and chat (again) about that internal stimulation that a lot of people like so much to argue against. In fact, just the other day, I saw a tweet from sex therapist quoting another sex therapist that the vagina was ‘designed’ for only – wait for it – 10 minutes of penetration, and that the vagina was essentially dead and inorgasmic on the inside. Quite a statement that neither of them were able to validate when I questioned them about it.


That place of pleasure where body, mind, emotion and/or eroticism meet is not quantifiable. At least not currently. Sex is about more than just orgasm, and orgasm is about more than just poking in and out of the vagina. I’ve written before about how the clit, muscle tone, health, emotional well-being etc etc can affect orgasm and especially penetrative pleasure (ESPECIALLY with another human).

Penetration is pleasurable for many women, just as it is not pleasurable for many others. And penetration is not exclusive to the penis or the man. It is not an act only for vaginas and women.

Which is why I can applaud the Bouncer for its enormous scope and versatility.

Anyway, back to the topic…

How you use it

Vaginal: You know, I like to recommend dildos like this (wavy, curvy, bendy) for women who need to explore the internal sensations of their vaginas. The Bouncer is firm but flexible, and its wide base is a good grip – all of which makes it perfect for manoeuvring around in the difficult-to-reach pleasure palace that is your pussy (sorry, couldn’t resist all the alliteration). If you’re unfamiliar with what feels good internally, I’d recommend a little intimate massage, moving the Bouncer around, going shallow to deep, rubbing in certain places and so on, as opposed to the in-out version of penetration we’ve become used to. And touch your clit and labia while you do this.

Anal: Of course, you can also explore your own or your partner’s backyard party with the Bouncer, but I will advise that this is only attempted by those who have played with anal toys before. The Bouncer is long (18 cm) and girthy (4 cm at the widest bulge) and wouldn’t be a fun ride for inexperienced or unprepped bottoms. If you’re a guy, that curve at the end and the bulges will please your prostate no end. Again, the base is nice and wide as a stopper, so you don’t have to worry about losing anything to an over-eager sphincter muscle.

Partner play: Great as an inclusion to your shared sex life. Try it as part of oral or masturbatory sex, or enjoy a little simulated double penetration. I didn’t use this with a strap-on, but the manufacturers assert that it’s harness friendly, so if you have one (you can buy them separately) this should fit snuggly into it.

a harness for your dildo

a harness for your dildo

As a suction dildo: Although the Bouncer sticks like glue to certain surfaces, its difficult to manoeuvre around. This is a pretty heavy dong as dongs go, so it struggles to manage its own weight against gravity, or suction hard enough on an up-pull. Make of that what you will, but if you’re looking for a suction toy, I don’t reckon this is your best bet. Saying that, its strength lies in any other areas anyway so this is simply a nice touch that may or may not work for you.

What I liked about it

Read all of the above. What’s not to like? But I must reiterate that I love the material Fun Factory uses for its toys. It’s all the usual 100% medical-grade silicone, but they get it extra awesome with the velvety texture and zero seams. It’s also waterproof.

Bouncer box

the sturdy box it comes in is very simple, with no crazy THIS IS A SEX TOY screaming letters. so you can happily use it as a storage box.

What I didn’t like

The only thing I didn’t fancy was the fact that the suction whatsit didn’t live up to my porno fantasies. So. That’s all really.

Is it the toy for you?

If you’re into penetration or want to explore your vagina with the help of a nifty little silicone assistant, this is the toy for you.

My Bouncer was supplied by Matilda’s for this unpaid review and you can get it here [clickety click]