Three’s a crowd?

Dorothy Black thinks that some things are better left planned

There are many wonderful things that can be done spontaneously. Going on a spur-of-the-moment picnic is one. I like that. Coming home to a surprise candle-lit dinner is another. That is also nice.

These are good, wholesome spontaneous activities.

But there are other, trickier spontaneous ventures that are best given some thought. I have quite a list, which includes stupid shit like spontaneous drunken, car-surfing in Hermanus in winter. At night. For example. Or a spontaneous hike to Bainskloof waterfall in winter. At night. Without a torch.

But while these might be not so awesome by virtue of risk to life, at the top of my list entitled ‘Tricky Spontaneous Things (Not) To Do’ is that spontaneous threesome that seems like a super idea after five bottles of wine and enough tequila to flood a small village. (Oh hell, who’m I kidding. I don’t need that much liquor to fuel my very stupid ideas.)

At the top of my list entitled ‘Tricky Spontaneous Things (Not) To Do’ is that spontaneous threesome that seems like a super idea after five bottles of wine and enough tequila to flood a small village

You know how it goes.

The three of you have moved from a boozy lunch to a boozier dinner. Everyone’s getting along so spectacularly it’s practically a mind-meld. You’re all crooning about how wonderful everyone is and how fabulously you all get along when, suddenly, it dawns on someone in the party that the only way for the sublime feel-goodness of the moment to be blessed by the very gods themselves is for everyone to get naked and fuck.

It seems like a good idea at the time.

Nevertheless. You’d be surprised.

The myriad unfortunate consequences include, but are not limited to: the couple fall-out (if there’s a pair) over who was paying who more attention (Christ, Susan, it wasn’t MY idea, but what could I do when Jane sat on my face?!); the third person fall-out, if someone felt left out at any point (It’s just, you know, you guys, just, well…I went out for a smoke. You didn’t notice.); the suggestee fall-out (ohmygod pleeeeease tell me EVERYONE thought it was a good idea. It was right? Right?); and last but not least, sometimes one is just not meant to see one’s friends naked (Dude. I love you. But what is that?).

But look, that’s just the drunken spontaneous threesome. And assuming it’s done with good friends who can laugh ‘ha ha ha’ and overlook that thing you said, no harm, no foul.


The only reason my threesomes have never worked out so fantastic for me is because they’ve always followed this basic pattern. It’s like bangbabbalas on steroids.

All my other, much smarter, friends – not the ones I’m sleeping with mind (Hey! Wait a minute!? What’s wrong with me?) – plan their threesomes weeks in advance and generally plan them with strangers or virtual strangers.

A play plan is worked out and everyone knows where they stand

This has many amazing advantages, like, couples have time to discuss their boundaries as to what they’re happy or unhappy with their partners doing. If there’s a single involved, he or she gets to discuss what they want out of the experience and suss out the couple situation before venturing into what could be an emotionally fraught situation. A play plan is worked out and everyone knows where they stand.

This ‘managing expectations’ thing is very important. Although it might seem a little contrary to visions of a wild, Bacchus-like orgy, we weren’t brought up accustomed to unfettered sex parties driven by drugs and booze. Not unless your name’s LiLo, and well…

Seriously though.

Most of us have had pretty normal upbringings, peppered with all the usual sexual angst, guilty pleasures and small attachments to the people we sleep with, so its sometimes best to give the spontaneous threesome a little bit of thought … and maybe a drink or two.

Ever had a threesome? Was it planned or spontaneous? And was it hot or not? Tell us…

See what others said on [clickety click]


So got a letter in from a dude last week. Him and his wife have discussed and are flirting with the idea of finding a chicken to join them for their first threesome.

Answered it on The Dot Spot here [clickety click], but as there are some things one cannot say on a national family radio station, here’s what i’ve told dude on email:

you can try, or even datingbuzz for possible partners (there are others but they basically share the same databases).

be very, very specific when you draw up a list of what you want and what you require. You’ll prolly get some people trying their luck (whether it’s about sex or a nigerian scam) emailing you (do not list your cell number) so set up fake gmail account and work from that. On sexfind you’ll be able to chat with the people (they have a chat function). Meet people at a coffee shop first and walk away if both of you are not 100% comfortable.

As always, keep fucking, keep safe plums,
Dot, out.


  1. Hey Chicken Dot
    you rock !!!

    March 24, 2011 at 6:00 am
  2. LOL @megan. i call people a range of pet names. chicken, pup, plum…

    July 16, 2010 at 9:26 pm
  3. This post made me feel very ignorant – for I can't tell if chicken is a term with which I am unfamiliar or if that couple wants to introduce poultry to their bedroom.

    Megan (Best of Fates)
    July 16, 2010 at 7:48 pm
  4. So, The wife and I have done both. Well, we started with threesomes. Now, we’re swingers. It’s a tad more complicated, but still basically the same.

    We did it with friends, and strangers and with strangers that became friends afterwards.

    July 16, 2010 at 1:39 pm
  5. Anony 1 here :) Colleague at work (and hub) in UK did the swinging thing – gave me the creeps watching them flirt with a pretty student I worked with them. Think will have to try the "just be happy" route.

    July 16, 2010 at 8:55 am
  6. This has been a always conversation that my wife and I have discussed and we want to try it with proper planning. MMF MFF, My wife was looks foward to it but I cannot wait for it to happen.

    July 15, 2010 at 12:22 pm
  7. I dun it… both mmf and ffm… one was totally planned to to the n'th degree and the other the result of a bottle (or two) of wine and everybody’s favorite game… strip coinage.

    Honestly, both experiences were not as great as our fantasizing together in bed had been, but we were determined to try it out. Not saying we regretted it, but we had loads more fun watching porn together than actually carrying out the act.

    My advice when you’re in the that mood, grab a bottle of wine, some porn, some interesting toys and of course naughty food… so much more satisfying :)

    July 14, 2010 at 5:12 pm
  8. anony – well that's why threesomes aren't for everyone :) maybe you should try a foursome or swing! :) or just be happy with eachother. can be done x

    July 14, 2010 at 2:03 pm
  9. I KNOW I would never trust him again afterwards… usual be convinced he was into the third person more etc. (can't be a bloke you see) and I would feel cheated on if he so much as looked at no 3. So what would be the point except for divorce city?

    July 14, 2010 at 1:57 pm
  10. plums, try come up with different names – you can fake it
    to anony > too many i get confused
    anony2 > not a bad idea at all actually. i know what you mean that you think you’ll like it… sometimes shit is just better as a fantasy; the trick is to be very, super, ultra tight with your mate about what goes down and how it plays out… and that it’s about you two as a couple… i’ll do the show tomorrow and then post the actually response

    @dolce now, pup, why does everyone assume it’s two chicks and a guy?

    July 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm
  11. Oi yoi yoi. All nice in theory. But I don't know that I could watch my lover appear to have better fun with some other bird. He'd have to keep so much eye contact with me. It would have to be about us, with her just an accessory, if you will. Hectic stuff, since so much of good sex is about emotion (well, for me any way). Eish.

    July 14, 2010 at 2:36 pm
  12. My wife and i have recently been having similar conversations to that of a dude and his misses.

    I have given this a lot of thought, and i think that i would be ok with it. The problem is just that, I think I’ll like it. However I will not know till/if we actually try!So that leaves one very big and risky if to throw into our marriage…

    Maybe we should try the wimp version first and go to a strip club. Play with the idea of her flirting with another woman, get a lap dance for the misses and see how that goes before we board the proverbial ship…??

    July 14, 2010 at 2:18 pm
  13. hmmm.

    July 14, 2010 at 11:04 am

Leave a Comment