Three’s a crowd?

Dorothy Black thinks that some things are better left planned

There are many wonderful things that can be done spontaneously. Going on a spur-of-the-moment picnic is one. I like that. Coming home to a surprise candle-lit dinner is another. That is also nice.

These are good, wholesome spontaneous activities.

But there are other, trickier spontaneous ventures that are best given some thought. I have quite a list, which includes stupid shit like spontaneous drunken, car-surfing in Hermanus in winter. At night. For example. Or a spontaneous hike to Bainskloof waterfall in winter. At night. Without a torch.

But while these might be not so awesome by virtue of risk to life, at the top of my list entitled ‘Tricky Spontaneous Things (Not) To Do’ is that spontaneous threesome that seems like a super idea after five bottles of wine and enough tequila to flood a small village. (Oh hell, who’m I kidding. I don’t need that much liquor to fuel my very stupid ideas.)

At the top of my list entitled ‘Tricky Spontaneous Things (Not) To Do’ is that spontaneous threesome that seems like a super idea after five bottles of wine and enough tequila to flood a small village

You know how it goes.

The three of you have moved from a boozy lunch to a boozier dinner. Everyone’s getting along so spectacularly it’s practically a mind-meld. You’re all crooning about how wonderful everyone is and how fabulously you all get along when, suddenly, it dawns on someone in the party that the only way for the sublime feel-goodness of the moment to be blessed by the very gods themselves is for everyone to get naked and fuck.

It seems like a good idea at the time.

Nevertheless. You’d be surprised.

The myriad unfortunate consequences include, but are not limited to: the couple fall-out (if there’s a pair) over who was paying who more attention (Christ, Susan, it wasn’t MY idea, but what could I do when Jane sat on my face?!); the third person fall-out, if someone felt left out at any point (It’s just, you know, you guys, just, well…I went out for a smoke. You didn’t notice.); the suggestee fall-out (ohmygod pleeeeease tell me EVERYONE thought it was a good idea. It was right? Right?); and last but not least, sometimes one is just not meant to see one’s friends naked (Dude. I love you. But what is that?).

But look, that’s just the drunken spontaneous threesome. And assuming it’s done with good friends who can laugh ‘ha ha ha’ and overlook that thing you said, no harm, no foul.


The only reason my threesomes have never worked out so fantastic for me is because they’ve always followed this basic pattern. It’s like bangbabbalas on steroids.

All my other, much smarter, friends – not the ones I’m sleeping with mind (Hey! Wait a minute!? What’s wrong with me?) – plan their threesomes weeks in advance and generally plan them with strangers or virtual strangers.

A play plan is worked out and everyone knows where they stand

This has many amazing advantages, like, couples have time to discuss their boundaries as to what they’re happy or unhappy with their partners doing. If there’s a single involved, he or she gets to discuss what they want out of the experience and suss out the couple situation before venturing into what could be an emotionally fraught situation. A play plan is worked out and everyone knows where they stand.

This ‘managing expectations’ thing is very important. Although it might seem a little contrary to visions of a wild, Bacchus-like orgy, we weren’t brought up accustomed to unfettered sex parties driven by drugs and booze. Not unless your name’s LiLo, and well…

Seriously though.

Most of us have had pretty normal upbringings, peppered with all the usual sexual angst, guilty pleasures and small attachments to the people we sleep with, so its sometimes best to give the spontaneous threesome a little bit of thought … and maybe a drink or two.

Ever had a threesome? Was it planned or spontaneous? And was it hot or not? Tell us…

See what others said on [clickety click]


So got a letter in from a dude last week. Him and his wife have discussed and are flirting with the idea of finding a chicken to join them for their first threesome.

Answered it on The Dot Spot here [clickety click], but as there are some things one cannot say on a national family radio station, here’s what i’ve told dude on email:

you can try, or even datingbuzz for possible partners (there are others but they basically share the same databases).

be very, very specific when you draw up a list of what you want and what you require. You’ll prolly get some people trying their luck (whether it’s about sex or a nigerian scam) emailing you (do not list your cell number) so set up fake gmail account and work from that. On sexfind you’ll be able to chat with the people (they have a chat function). Meet people at a coffee shop first and walk away if both of you are not 100% comfortable.

As always, keep fucking, keep safe plums,
Dot, out.