Sex columnist Dorothy Black takes a look at the darker side of our erotic minds
‘I’ve been encouraged to walk along a secluded path late at night, alone. I could hear his footsteps behind me and could feel my adrenalin flurry. I hate being chased. When you feel the arm wrap around your chest dragging you backwards, you are not 100% sure that it is definitely your partner. You look for any sign, smell, voice or glimpse, but you get nothing. I was knocked to the floor, face down and felt slightly winded.
‘I could feel my eyes filling with tears as I still wasn’t sure who was doing this to me but the overwhelming tingles between my legs increase with intensity with each twist and turn.’
Cuntychopalops is the writer of this candid piece about that subject verboten everywhere outside of Germany – the rape fantasy, or what is more politely referred to as ‘ravishment’.
Until now, I’ve never really delved behind the scenes of my fantasies. No matter how dark or ‘depraved’, I’ve not thought to extract and question my erotic triggers. From cruel policemen to sibling gangbanging, my fantasies simply are and that’s good enough for me. But reading Cunty’s rape piece makes me wonder whether I’m brave enough to take my forced sex fantasies a step further, for a role-playing walk with a partner along a secluded path say (so far I’ve kept them strictly indoors).
In my mental flipchart of wank material, forced sex scenarios are prolific. Though not generally physically violent, the element of being dominated or used for sex is ever present. In my fantasies I’ve been raped, molested and sexually harassed more times than I can count.
This is pretty general. I’ve read studies that suggest that about 60% of women have had ravishment and molestation fantasies, and that about 17% have these fantasies regularly. But judging by the Nancy Friday books I grew up thumbing under covers with a pillow between by legs and the kind of cliterature available today, I’d have to imagine this number is way higher.
I don’t think anyone can say for sure what the big turn on is. The same study blah blahs on about masochism, sexual blame avoidance, sympathetic physiological activation, biological predisposition to surrender etc etc, but I’m not sure any of this is really relevant. Knowing why something turns me on, isn’t going to stop it turning me on. I reckon it’s about being ok with what pushes our buttons.
Our attraction to certain fantasies is such an intimate experience, but in a deeply religious country that struggles with rape as the norm, ravishment or forced sex fantasies can be particularly confusing.
I’ve spoken to people who feel that their ravishment or molestation fantasies are morally reprehensible. Who are deeply ashamed by them because they feel that because the fantasy exists there is a latent desire to be actually raped or harassed or molested in really real life. Or that they would actually rape, harass or molest in real life.
But this couldn’t be further from the truth. When you fantasise you are in control of every frame. You choose your scenarios and they serve you. When you role-play forced sex scenarios with your partner you do so willingly and within agreed parameters. It is a game based on those crazy instincts of domination and submission. As long it’s your choice to play that game it’s about sex. Take that choice away and it becomes an act of violation and aggression. Then it becomes about rape.
Maybe the sooner we accept the darker side of fantasies the sooner we’ll be able to formulate a healthy perspective on sex and relationships in reality.
Do you have forced sex fantasies? Do you share these with your partner or do you think they are wrong?
See what others said on Women24.com [clickety click]
Behind the column
…struggled with this one – not very light topic, had to keep it short and as un-porn or provocative as possible…
LOVE susie bright’s take on ravishment – check out her piece here: so AWESOME
anyway. such a touchy subject in SA… oh well. to the back pages of women24 this goes…