booty bucket list

Dorothy Black believes it’s time you make a booty bucket list for 2011

i couldn't fit in 'shows' know, it reads kinda weird. cos really, necrophilia is SO not my thing...well, unless you count that one dude i-- oh nevermind. long story

i couldn’t fit in ‘shows’…so…you know, it reads kinda weird. cos really, necrophilia is SO not my thing…well, unless you count that one dude i– oh nevermind. long story

Do you ever wake up and look at your sex life and think, holy fuckaroo, it’s time to shake shit up a bit? Miss America and I were having a natter about this the other day so I created a little booty bucket list (BBL) of things I’ve yet to do (or do properly).

Bum love

So here’s a little secret. I’m not so much about the anal. I could exaggerate my experience in colonic capers into an event that would titillate all backdoor enthusiasts, but the fact is I’m practically a virgin in this department. It’s not that I’ve never wanted to turn the other cheek (at least a little bit) it’s just that I’ve never been compelled to. It all seems like so much lube and effort to find the pleasure I enjoy so amply from my vagina. The last time I gave it a, um, bash, my partner and I were embroiled in that kind of messy drunk fuck where you’re convinced its a good time to try never-before-attempted kinks with a ‘just tie this around there’ or a ‘oh go on, just stick it in then’. Never really works.

Dom for a day

If for no other reason than the goth get-ups and the truly mind-boggling shoes I want to be a dominatrix for a day. I want to learn how to strut my stuff in nine-inch heels over the back of some gladiatoresque man flesh while I whip his arse and command him to call me Madame Fifi. I know that’s not what real kink relationships are about but dammit as a tourist I want the whole shebang – black leather dresses, paddles with tassels, crimson lipstick, corsets and a man who will crave and relish my every bidding instead of arguing back, being a grump and sitting on Playstation.

Tantric sex

There’s this dakini (a tantric priestess) in Cape Town, I’m told, who can think herself into a full body orgasm. I can totally get down with this idea. This and unlocking the sleeping parts of my yoni, which I’m also told will lead to fuller, longer and more intense orgasms (or orgasms at the very least if you don’t already experience them). It’s all about working the sexual energy and sexual healing and orgies in the forests;. I will use my potent sexual energy for good. Promise.

Awesome foursome

When I told Miss America I wanted a regter-egte Shortbus-type orgy she sighed, rolled her eyes and finished my sentence with a question: ‘Isn’t three people enough?’ No. No, three people is not enough. The Romans did it, the Pagans did it, the hippies in the 60s did it and bored housewives in Sandton do it. So why not me. It’s time. Yes there are health issues to consider and feelings (what with currently being in a sexually monogamous relationship), but life is too short to sniff at bouts of wild hedonism.

A live sex show

While live sex shows are de rigueur in all major cities across the globe we have to be content with crap strip clubs, internet porn and Etv. And yes, I know there are some of you that arrange those little private-house cloak ‘n dagger affairs but I want a production of note, mofo. I want drinks at the bar and good lighting. I want a believable balance between seedy and couples-friendly ambience. I want leather couches, not purple velveteen stretch. Miss America thinks finding this here is impossible. I told her my BBL No 5 and she paused. ‘London, Paris, New York, my love, but for godssakes, please, just not in Sea Point.’

Miss America reckons she only has one: to find a straight, single, moderately intelligent man. What’s on your booty bucket list for 2011?

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i'll let ailenni blow a kiss for you

i’ll let ailenni blow a kiss for you

so i thought i’d kick-off this year’s worth ‘o women24 columns with a light-hearted ha ha … but also, it is serious cos that IS my booty buckit list for the year.

some people might find it strange to be so goal oriented, but i say one should always VISUALIIIIZE the future to MAKE IT SO. it’s a bit picard meets chopra. kinda.

anyhoo…happy thursday plums!