Ask Dot :: I cannot orgasm during penetrative sex

Am seeing this guy and he was very curious about this, so figured I’d ask. I can’t climax during penetration, only foreplay. Never have been able to. Really odd. And I think it’s making him feel like not a stud. Is there anything I can do to help matters along?
i guess the first question is what do you imagine is climaxing during penetration? where do you imagine that climax to happen? because if ‘newish’ anatomy lessons are to be believed, what with the clit being a vast underground root system of awesome (i trust you did read my column on the internal clit…), we’re starting to ponder the idea that in ‘internal’ orgasm is really just an extended clit orgasm…

I did read it, and it was great :) You’re very wise in the ways of anatomy :) I don’t know. I’ve just never orgasmed during penetration. There’s always build up, but never release. Is it supposed to be different to foreplay-type orgasms?
what is a foreplay-type orgasm? do you mean a clitoral orgasm that you only experience during foreplay when he’s what? going down on you? using his hands? how do you make yourself come?

All of the above, yes :) Oral, fingering, rubbing. Clitoral orgasm then. Sorry, I’m unsure of the correct terminology :)
do you stimulate yourself clitorally then while he’s fucking you? i find it works a charm and is easy if you’re in cowgirl on the couch (so sitting, but not strenuous on either party) or popping a pillow between your legs for friction on your clit while he takes you from behind? do any of this?

Well i’ve tried stimulating myself and it doesn’t work, but I will def try the pillow idea. Sounds awesome :)
so you’re saying only a partner (or only this guy?) can make you come? do you masturbate? (sorry, intimate questions but there you go…)

oh yeah, I do. Not as often as i should probably :) But i’m a very busy girl :) I find that I can make myself orgasm pretty easily just by rubbing, which is why I don’t get why it’s so difficult during sex?
ok. well, during partner sex there’s usually a whole lot of other shit going through our heads and it seems to be habit to people please – both men and women – we struggle to be selfish about our experience. at the moment it’s about trying to have an orgasm so that your partner feels comfortable with his sexuality. that’s not really what it’s about. and it’s certainly not going to help you with having more powerful orgasms.

i’m great believer in the process of sex and sexuality and that for a woman to fully embrace her body and sex, she has to be comfortable with where she’s at with it first. if a clitoral orgasm is where you’re at – that’s more than good enough … and should be for your partner also – your body, your pleasure, your time … there’s an underlying judgement attached to being made to feel you should or shouldn’t orgasm in any particular way.

i am certainly no sexologist so i wouldn’t be able to give you any super techniques. there’s lots of information available on the net about g-spot stim and yoni massage, but while i believe techniques are fine, ultimately for them to work, you have to be comfortable, relaxed, not overthinking shit and trusting of your partner. you have to take your time .. something we’re not used to do in sex.

i’m not sure if this is at all useful, but i would suggest you getting more involved with getting yourself off during penetrative sex. so maybe foreplay but not to orgasm, lots of lube and then you stimulating yourself or grinding your clit against him during penetration – the seated position is bril for this and it allows you to go at your pace. try the pillow also. very cool.

That really is super helpful Dot, thanks :) You’re a very wise and lovely woman.
i know.

A few days later i got this: P.S. Penetration orgasm achieved. Like a boss. Pillow technique.

6 Comments:

  1. Wow, thanks for this, Dot. I haven’t been in a sexual relationship for very long but I haven’t yet had the pleasure of experiencing an orgasm from penetration. And I have read up about it. I’ve read so much about the g-spot but I haven’t ever come close to the same feeling I get when I do it myself. I feel like I don’t even have one.
    And I have tried to stimulate myself during sex. My body just responds to it negatively. It just doesn’t want it. It’s like sex alone is too much for my body to handle.
    I feel so left out.
    Excuse all the puns ;)

    Lucy
    June 7, 2012 at 6:37 pm
    • i’m sorry you feel left out – that’s horrible :( but at least you’re able to reach orgasm right? … lot’s of women feel they can’t

      dot
      June 10, 2012 at 10:24 pm
  2. i vote for the reverse cowgirl
    with vibe in hand. and his ‘nads get a buzz too.
    though, i good muff is never wasted either.
    i have never, ever achieved the fabled vaginal orgasm. even when i was actively trying to achieve just that.
    i think, and i may be grossly wrong here, that maybe, so women’s vagina may simple not be anatomically built in a manner to allow vaginal orgasm.
    for argument’s sakes, i can bump and grind all i like, and cannot get my clit to make contact with my other half’s pubic bone (in missionary). so no joy in that dept. so you maak ‘n plan.
    as much fun as simulteous cumming would be, with simply bump and grind, i think it might not be all that cut and dried. and i resent porn for making dudes think that slamming away ad infinatum will result in a wailing siren of orgasms.

    adele
    June 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm
    • well, it’s not fabled for me. i’ve had some of my most toe-curling orgasms in the missionary position. i think there are just all kinds of different orgasms suiting all different kinds of bodies and you gotta find out what yours is telling you. but yeah, the americano porn vag-bashing does little to help … though, sometimes i just like getting fucked without worrying about an orgasm, so it works for me in a different way.

      dot
      June 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm
  3. This is rather awesome. I do think that there’s too much of a mythology that we should be able to just get off through penetrative sex with no extra stimulation. Like it makes someone less of a sexual partner if you need to add a bit of manual assistance.

    cindy
    June 7, 2012 at 1:51 pm
    • well exactly. everybody is different – with different hormones, stressors, stimulators (physical and mental) … although, saying that, i do believe more women would be able to enjoy the full range range of orgasms (simply because the physiology is all in place) if they were able to let go of judging themselves, felt more comfortable in their skins with themselves and with their partners and explored more…

      dot
      June 7, 2012 at 1:56 pm

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