Ask Dot :: I cannot orgasm during penetrative sex

Am seeing this guy and he was very curious about this, so figured I’d ask. I can’t climax during penetration, only foreplay. Never have been able to. Really odd. And I think it’s making him feel like not a stud. Is there anything I can do to help matters along?
i guess the first question is what do you imagine is climaxing during penetration? where do you imagine that climax to happen? because if ‘newish’ anatomy lessons are to be believed, what with the clit being a vast underground root system of awesome (i trust you did read my column on the internal clit…), we’re starting to ponder the idea that in ‘internal’ orgasm is really just an extended clit orgasm…

I did read it, and it was great :) You’re very wise in the ways of anatomy :) I don’t know. I’ve just never orgasmed during penetration. There’s always build up, but never release. Is it supposed to be different to foreplay-type orgasms?
what is a foreplay-type orgasm? do you mean a clitoral orgasm that you only experience during foreplay when he’s what? going down on you? using his hands? how do you make yourself come?

All of the above, yes :) Oral, fingering, rubbing. Clitoral orgasm then. Sorry, I’m unsure of the correct terminology :)
do you stimulate yourself clitorally then while he’s fucking you? i find it works a charm and is easy if you’re in cowgirl on the couch (so sitting, but not strenuous on either party) or popping a pillow between your legs for friction on your clit while he takes you from behind? do any of this?

Well i’ve tried stimulating myself and it doesn’t work, but I will def try the pillow idea. Sounds awesome :)
so you’re saying only a partner (or only this guy?) can make you come? do you masturbate? (sorry, intimate questions but there you go…)

oh yeah, I do. Not as often as i should probably :) But i’m a very busy girl :) I find that I can make myself orgasm pretty easily just by rubbing, which is why I don’t get why it’s so difficult during sex?
ok. well, during partner sex there’s usually a whole lot of other shit going through our heads and it seems to be habit to people please – both men and women – we struggle to be selfish about our experience. at the moment it’s about trying to have an orgasm so that your partner feels comfortable with his sexuality. that’s not really what it’s about. and it’s certainly not going to help you with having more powerful orgasms.

i’m great believer in the process of sex and sexuality and that for a woman to fully embrace her body and sex, she has to be comfortable with where she’s at with it first. if a clitoral orgasm is where you’re at – that’s more than good enough … and should be for your partner also – your body, your pleasure, your time … there’s an underlying judgement attached to being made to feel you should or shouldn’t orgasm in any particular way.

i am certainly no sexologist so i wouldn’t be able to give you any super techniques. there’s lots of information available on the net about g-spot stim and yoni massage, but while i believe techniques are fine, ultimately for them to work, you have to be comfortable, relaxed, not overthinking shit and trusting of your partner. you have to take your time .. something we’re not used to do in sex.

i’m not sure if this is at all useful, but i would suggest you getting more involved with getting yourself off during penetrative sex. so maybe foreplay but not to orgasm, lots of lube and then you stimulating yourself or grinding your clit against him during penetration – the seated position is bril for this and it allows you to go at your pace. try the pillow also. very cool.

That really is super helpful Dot, thanks :) You’re a very wise and lovely woman.
i know.

A few days later i got this: P.S. Penetration orgasm achieved. Like a boss. Pillow technique.