there’s a scene in girls – a series i am still not convinced by – where the lead character, hannah, is at the gynae to get a pap smear or something and she’s rambling on about HIV and Aids and STDs and such, saying stupid things like she’d rather get Aids cos then she’d not have to worry about having to make a success of her life because just the simple fact that she was alive would be a success etc etc ha ha ha…
at one point the doctor examining her stops what she’s doing and tells hannah that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about (basically) and then pauses before saying something like, ‘you couldn’t pay me enough to be in my twenties again’. she’s thinking out loud really and sports a look of such pointed matter-of-fact relief and pity it’s hard to imagine that lena dunham was able to pop out that line of insight among the rubbishy rubbish these chicks talk about*.
i gotta say i feel exactly the same way as this doctor.
at the risk of oversimplifying developmental stages i look back at my twenties and shudder at the maelstrom of indecision, ego and angst, confused emotions and the blinding walk in the dark that is trying to unweave your teenage self from your past’s idea of you from what you think society’s idea of you is to the creation of yourself as your own individual.
i see masses of incredibly cool people in their 20s and know that 80% of them will be their parents by the age of 28. carbon copies of their family histories. what you wear or listen to won’t stop that tidal wave of inevitability. you have to carve your own surfboard. most people are too lazy to do so or do it too late, when half their lives have been washed away already.
please excuse the poor quality of metaphor. it’s late and i’m not used to insomnia.
speaking of. i’m going to try to get my body to sleep again. i hope it doesn’t listen to my brain. my brain is being mean and spiteful.
(* about Girls. i didn’t not like it, but there were some appalling things falling out of these girls’ mouths “abortion is the worst thing that could happen to a woman” and i think only hannah might’ve orgasmed once during the whole of season 1…otherwise they were all just ‘doing’ sex and not seeming to enjoy it very much. also. what was up with their fucking eyeballs? were they all high or did the director just go a tad far with the muscle relaxant to induce some bright-eyed youth thing? anyhoo. another time. sleepy tight.)