Ask Dot :: My husband refuses to kick his friend out the house, I am pregnant and it is driving me crazy

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I desperately need help. I have been married for two and a half years and am 17 weeks pregnant. My husband has a friend that came visit in the middle of January and he is still here with absolutely no sign of leaving. I have spoken to my husband about it and he finds nothing wrong. I am becoming a horrible person to be around. I feel that if that if something isn’t done soon my marriage isn’t going to last. – Preggers and Going Crazy

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Dear PAGC

Yes that is a frustrating bother.

Many years ago, while a long-term relationship was on the slow and steady decline, my boyfriend and I suddenly took to hanging out with a mate of ours ALL THE TIME. every spare moment we had was filled with making plans with him or conversation around seeing him. it was weird and had it been now i would’ve suggested a little MMF action.

Have you asked him why he is prioritising his friend over you and the comfort of your family?

but i digress. point is. our relationship was not doing so great and we didn’t know how to talk about it. so instead of dealing with that issue, we just focused all our attention on a third party. is that what might be happening here? is your dude being a weirdo because he’s diverting his attention and using his mate as buffer from a larger issue?

have you asked him why he is prioritising his friend over you and the comfort of your family? can he answer that?

because he’s not living alone. that home isn’t just his home. that island of happy family consists of more than just him and his comfort levels. this community he signed into requires the vote of all concerned parties to allow someone else onto the island. does he get that?

use this picture as an illustrative guide. point to the man and say: this is not you

use this picture as an illustrative guide. point to the man and say: this is not you

you haven’t given very much information about what the circumstances of this dude being in your house are. is it crisis management? did his wife die? did he lose his job? is the guy a douchey freeloader? is he contributing?

all of this will make a difference to how appropriate it is for him to be staying with you.

This is a community and your voice in this community is not being heard

that said, the fact is, you’re no longer comfortable, your boundaries are being crossed, your space is being occupied against your will and it’s starting to put pressure on you, your pregnancy and your relationships.

this is a time to nest and no one wants a cuckoo taking up valuable time, consideration and space. so we’re back to this is a community and your voice in this community is not being heard. look at that solitary man on the island. now back to this line.

are you focusing? good.

i’m not a huge believer in ultimatums, but i think that if someone is not hearing you you need to start making some decisions about your well-being and sanity and taking steps to follow through on maintaining these.

  1. Ask your man why he is prioritising his mate over your family
  2. Set a reasonable time for this man to leave. What this reasonable time is might be influenced by his situation, but is determined by your comfort levels.
  3. This time limit is non-negotiable. Once that day arrives, he leaves. Full stop.
  4. Between now and that time he has to contribute meaningfully to the household. That means financially and doing chores. If he’s there because of financial problems, all the more chores for him. He will help to cook and clean. He will show some respect.
  5. Remember, this man is an ADULT with resources and other friends and family. You and your man do not have to support him forever.

Good luck.
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