Ask Dot :: My husband refuses to kick his friend out the house, I am pregnant and it is driving me crazy

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I desperately need help. I have been married for two and a half years and am 17 weeks pregnant. My husband has a friend that came visit in the middle of January and he is still here with absolutely no sign of leaving. I have spoken to my husband about it and he finds nothing wrong. I am becoming a horrible person to be around. I feel that if that if something isn’t done soon my marriage isn’t going to last. – Preggers and Going Crazy

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Dear PAGC

Yes that is a frustrating bother.

Many years ago, while a long-term relationship was on the slow and steady decline, my boyfriend and I suddenly took to hanging out with a mate of ours ALL THE TIME. every spare moment we had was filled with making plans with him or conversation around seeing him. it was weird and had it been now i would’ve suggested a little MMF action.

Have you asked him why he is prioritising his friend over you and the comfort of your family?

but i digress. point is. our relationship was not doing so great and we didn’t know how to talk about it. so instead of dealing with that issue, we just focused all our attention on a third party. is that what might be happening here? is your dude being a weirdo because he’s diverting his attention and using his mate as buffer from a larger issue?

have you asked him why he is prioritising his friend over you and the comfort of your family? can he answer that?

because he’s not living alone. that home isn’t just his home. that island of happy family consists of more than just him and his comfort levels. this community he signed into requires the vote of all concerned parties to allow someone else onto the island. does he get that?

use this picture as an illustrative guide. point to the man and say: this is not you

use this picture as an illustrative guide. point to the man and say: this is not you

you haven’t given very much information about what the circumstances of this dude being in your house are. is it crisis management? did his wife die? did he lose his job? is the guy a douchey freeloader? is he contributing?

all of this will make a difference to how appropriate it is for him to be staying with you.

This is a community and your voice in this community is not being heard

that said, the fact is, you’re no longer comfortable, your boundaries are being crossed, your space is being occupied against your will and it’s starting to put pressure on you, your pregnancy and your relationships.

this is a time to nest and no one wants a cuckoo taking up valuable time, consideration and space. so we’re back to this is a community and your voice in this community is not being heard. look at that solitary man on the island. now back to this line.

are you focusing? good.

i’m not a huge believer in ultimatums, but i think that if someone is not hearing you you need to start making some decisions about your well-being and sanity and taking steps to follow through on maintaining these.

  1. Ask your man why he is prioritising his mate over your family
  2. Set a reasonable time for this man to leave. What this reasonable time is might be influenced by his situation, but is determined by your comfort levels.
  3. This time limit is non-negotiable. Once that day arrives, he leaves. Full stop.
  4. Between now and that time he has to contribute meaningfully to the household. That means financially and doing chores. If he’s there because of financial problems, all the more chores for him. He will help to cook and clean. He will show some respect.
  5. Remember, this man is an ADULT with resources and other friends and family. You and your man do not have to support him forever.

Good luck.
dot

10 Comments:

  1. DOT

    Besides writing as well as you do, you picture even better. Brilliant choices this time. As a suggestion – maybe you should ‘write’ a whole article in pictures one day or tell a NSFW story.

    I’m picturing it already.

    KOh
    March 8, 2013 at 11:27 am
  2. WTF dude? Alternatively, MrFancyFuck – what a Gr 5 name is that anyway??? – perhaps you should consider making your bro your ho… and then… *ta-da* …no choosing, no issues! You can have the best of both worlds *grin*

    Cheeky
    March 7, 2013 at 1:24 pm
    • Funny, cheeky! Agreed, seems like these guys would rather be with the bros so why not make it official?

      These guys need to grow a pair, but of course the lack of a spine will just result in a big mess…

      Unfortunately, I know a few guys like this, its all about their needs, never take the needs of their family into account (which should be priority NUMBER ONE). Sad losers…

      charles
      March 8, 2013 at 11:17 am
  3. Dearest Dot,

    Men do struggle to cope and express their emotions. It forms part of that whole Cowboys don’t cry methodology we get raised with.

    I can relate to Mr Man over there in adding my 5 cents to the jar.

    Quite possibly he’s overwhelmed by the idea of parenthood and his friend is the welcome and possibly much needed escape from his fears. Somehow some guys have this foreign concept that children equate to the death of their social lives. There can be no more beer drinking with the ou’s and so on. I used to think the exact same thing until I opened my eyes to the reality that my life wasn’t ending. I was merely shifting my focus to a different level of life and responsibility.

    This has nothing to do with Bro’s before Ho’s. Mr Fancy Pants is a juvenile man child aka A guy.

    This is his wife, he loves her and made a commitment to her. The questions that beg to be asked are, how old are these individuals? Was it a planned or accidental pregnancy? What are the other unknown factors working in on them?

    I’m in no way defending the actions of these men. The friend should be aware that he is imposing on their family unit and have taken himself away in a timely and courteous fashion. It’s uncalled for and the issues need to be addressed, having said that, they need to be addressed in such a way that the man does not, in the case where he’s overwhelmed by fear, feel like what’s left of his “freedom” is being taken away.

    I just feel there’s more to this story than is being told and at the end of the day…

    It’s all about balance and the labour of love.
    (and it can be a shit job some days)

    Peace.

    Pickles
    March 7, 2013 at 1:19 pm
    • Oh gawd.

      What’s with the ad hominems? Ouch :(

      Fine. I’ll be a grown up responsible adult male about it. I think the guy is BORED. Relationships are boring. He probably just wants to come home. Take off his pants. Walk around in his underwear scratching his ass, farting and drinking a beer. That’s what guys in serious relationships want to do. They want to believe that the universe is shaped like a donut. There is always someone telling them to grow up, be mature, be responsible, be a boring domesticated worker drone.

      His mate ain’t gonna hold him up to any of those high, unattainable sand mindlessly BORING standards. Why the fuck would he want him to leave? To go back to his boring mundane existence? Probably not

      MrFancyFuck
      March 7, 2013 at 1:33 pm
      • monsieur fancy fuck

        you are amusing to me (seriously, no sarcasm font needed).

        i’m sorry your relationships have all been boring. it is unfortunate. and maybe you’re right. maybe deep, deep down all men loathe being shackled by the ball and chain women tie them down with. i sometimes just like to pretend that kind of stereotypical thinking is still strolling around in the 20th century where it belongs.

        (oh and ad hominems because i tweeted and facecracked that i enjoyed responding to your comment. i lead a pretty boring life. any amusement is an event.)

        dorothy black
        March 7, 2013 at 1:39 pm
      • Mr Fancy Fuck – maybe you are obviously not married or are an abusive pig… or you are just very young and insecure. a real man can have all his mates and a family life and enjoy both. there is no need to be such a crass pig about it.

        i think pickles has hit the nail on the head in his response.

        I feel sorry for you bro

        Ant
        March 8, 2013 at 10:14 am
  4. It’s an incontrovertible fact that bros will always come before goes. Substitute your favorite trendy non-sexist politically correct anally retentive synonym for those two words. Accept this indubitable truth and brolationships suddenly make sense.

    I can’t edit “goes” to “hoes” cause the mobile post thing is too kak. This makes me sad :(

    MrFancyFuck
    March 7, 2013 at 11:57 am
    • dear monsieur fancy fuck,

      while i am sure the world’s population of womenfolk should be down with the whole ‘bros before hos’ philosophical tenets of ‘brolationships’, i would imagine that a level of maturity is appropriate after making the decision to bring into the world, and hopefully aim to raise well, another human being.

      i would like to imagine that a more responsible, adult approach to relationships, situations and realities would be able to claw it’s way from the reptile part of one’s brain and negotiate an altogether more considerate response to one’s mate than your ‘bros before hos bitch’.

      you might be curious to learn that many men are able to prioritise their families and still maintain healthy relationships with their male friends.

      Good luck. Growing up is sometimes scary.
      Much love,
      dot

      dot
      March 7, 2013 at 12:40 pm
      • I wish to distance myself from Mr FancyFuck…geez dude, pack away your testosterone and wake up…”bros before hoes”…are we still in Grade 5…
        This guy needs to have the balls to make a choice, and if he chooses his mate over his pregnant partner he probably needs to have a long hard look at himself…
        My 5 cents

        Rich
        March 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm

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