Ask Dot :: How do I tell my friend her fiance is gay?


helloooo? come out, come out wherever you are…

My best friend is totally marrying a gay guy! We always had our suspicions that he was in the closet but then my brother, who’s gay, saw him at the hot house! He doesn’t think he (my friend’s fiance) saw him. What the hell? What do I do? My friend is crazy about him! – WTAF



Gosh what a conundrum right? Shoo. So, eek. Um. Right. Awkward for you. More awkward for him. Potentially devastating for your friend. This has to be handled with extreme care for a whole lot of reasons. Some thoughts in no particular order:

Ease up on the assumptions. Even though a LOT of stuff might be pointing in the direction of him ‘being gay’, he could also be bi, he could just like some guy-on-guy sex play, your friend could be aware of this, they could already have had a conversation about his sexuality, she could be ok with it, she could also be bi, she could be into the fact that he likes playing with men … you do not know what is going on behind closed doors.


ponder on this image

no one – not you, certainly not me, not his bff – knows what really happens in the intimacy of their sexual relationship. no matter how loud-mouthed the most loud-mouthed person is about their sexual shenanigans you do not know what they feel or how they are with their partners.

as one of the most loud-mouthed people i know, i speak from experience.

maybe she’s not discussed with you or anyone because a) it’s really no one else’s business and b) she doesn’t want people to judge her choices.

Everyone should have the space to explore their own sexuality – to play with it, to be curious about it and to experiment with it – without nosy-parkers getting in the way of their biznez.

however. i too would be concerned about whether my friend was fully aware and would want to make 100% certain.

so here’s what i reckon: I’m not sure if your brother knows him, it sounds like he might, but maybe he can approach him about it. or you can. approach him in a way that is non-judgemental and not confrontational. if he is ‘in the closet’ there are myriad reasons for it and most of them will be tied up in a world of shitty issues. poor thing.

point is, let him know that you know and that you’re concerned for your friend. give him the opportunity to bring the matter to her attention on his own terms. it’s their business and their relationship after all.

show some respect when you start sticking your fingers in other people’s pies

however, if this doesn’t happen within a reasonable amount of time (and assuming he admits that he’s actually gay or bi or likes to play with men and that this is not something she knows about), you could take it to her.

bring the fact that your brother MAY have seen her fiance at the hothouse and that you’re concerned that she is not aware of his real sexual self id. but be aware that what you’re relaying is hearsay and second-hand maybe-witness account. god knows there’s a lot of steam at the hot house. and be prepared that she might not want to hear it, that she might get angry at you and start distrusting your intentions. people act weird sometimes.

discuss it with her once and then LEAVE IT ALONE. support her decision whatever it is. and show some respect when you start sticking your fingers in other people’s pies.

good luck amigo.

This question was first answered on BallzRadio

(PS For those not aware, the hot house is a steamy, sauna-ey, jacuzzi playpen in cape town for gay men.)