Chapter Three :: Totality in relationships
Choose your relationship model
We meet where our protagonist and his wife are discussing her cheating with ‘J’…
“You mean it doesn’t bother you that I got so intimate with J?”
She paused. I waited. I figured there was more of the question to come. There was. “We did things that you and I have not done …”
I possibly did not want to hear too much detail, so I interrupted.
“Yes, sure it bothers me. Mostly, it bothers me that if that is what you wanted, you could have mentioned it. We have been married six years now. Is there really anything you would like that you feel uncomfortable to ask me for?”
She knew all about answering a question with a question, so she politely ignored mine and asked a question of her own: “But not the basic fact that I fucked him?”
“No. I might, if I felt threatened, if I felt I was being replaced. I just cannot seem to take J seriously as a threat. He is cute, I suppose, and he writes bad poetry …”
“But am I wrong? Could you replace me with him and be happy?”
We played the steady gaze game. Usually, I lost, but not this time. Just a few seconds, and she glanced down.
“No. I suppose not. No stamina. Great build-up, wonderful anticipation, gorgeous words, but … ultimately … more whimper than bang.”
I manfully refrained from comment as my ego gently swelled, but not for long. This fine woman seldom slipped up in the detection and destruction of ego department.
“On the other hand, J is more adventurous than you and is more exciting, more excited and more interested…”
I started to protest but was silenced with a glance as she continued, “… in more than athletic accomplishment. Interested in deeper intimacy, greater exposure, richer emotions.”
She gave this time to sink in. It did sink in. Somewhat painfully.
(a note from dot: I urge you to check out what rahasya has to say about monogamy and other relationship models in the full version of this chapter. i’ve listed some of the most salient points for me and included a link to the full text at the end…)
Non-monogamy seems to suit tantric practitioners best. This approach to relating and loving takes considerable bravery and brings awareness at a serious pace. It is a direct challenge to the illusions of ownership, need, dependence and control.
On the downside, non-monogamy can be used to avoid strong emotions and the closeness that is necessary to evoke them. Most of us need to experience a ‘conventional relationship’ or two, or three before we can manage deep intimacy without the illusions of safety and permanence.
If you feel constrained by a choice you made, either make a fresh choice or commit with a will to the choice you made
Taking an attitude against jealousy and sexual ownership, for example, may lead to some interesting sexual encounters. It will definitely lead to an immersion in jealousy, complete with opportunities to pass through the jealousy and discover the truth of it.
If you feel constrained by a choice you made, either make a fresh choice or commit with a will to the choice you made and the restraint it implies.
“What if we took our marriage and the monogamy seriously? What if we accepted it with all its implications?”
“Um …” I interrupted, then realised that I probably did not understand. I changed my protest to a question. “Implications?”
“Well I suppose, for example, that if I were to take our monogamy really, really seriously, I would regard myself as responsible for your sexual satisfaction. Solely responsible. I would be on the spot, committed, to making at least a wholehearted effort to attempt anything you would want to do, whenever you wanted to do it. You could be motivated by passion, lust, the sweetest love, or even just curiosity. Your motivation would not really be my concern. Just my willing participation.”
I discovered that I was not breathing, and gasped for air. She looked at me, expecting comment. I choked on the air and coughed. Realising that I was currently incapable of speech, she smiled warmly, took a sip of her shandy and continued.
If I were to take our monogamy really, really seriously, I would regard myself as responsible for your sexual satisfaction
“We will have a lot more time together from now on. There are several hours each day with no children in the house.”
I considered this. She was right, there would be time. Lots of time for … whatever I wanted?
She looked deeply into my eyes. My thoughts flickered from the sublimely sexy to the outrageously perverse. It seemed as if her eyes gathered all my imaginings, my visions.
She said “Yes. To everything. To all of it. Think about it … If I am the only outlet you are allowed, it is only fair, surely.” I nodded in agreement, there being insufficient blood in my brain for a more complex response.
“But,” she continued, “it would have to be reciprocal. Monogamy is supposed to be a fair and balanced deal. You would have to do the same for me.”
“When do you suggest we begin?”
“As soon as you make up your mind.”
“Well, to start, I think, for tonight at least, I would like the hungry slut.”
She stood up in front of me, legs spread, and took my hand. She guided it under her skirt and pressed it between her legs and said, “There is something I would like you to notice, just in case you have any doubts about what is real for me. Only a really hungry slut could be this wet. Only a desperate one would bring it to your attention.”
“Well, you do taste good enough to fuck. Would you like that?”
She curled her hand over mine, pushing my fingers inside her and leaned back, closing her eyes. “Mmm … more please,” she sighed. She pulled my hand hard against her, grinding and driving my fingers into her depths.
I withdrew my fingers gently but decisively and looked her in the eyes. I sucked at my fingers and smiled at her. “Well, you do taste good enough to fuck. Would you like that?”
And then what follows is some pretty fucking hot word sex, but I’ve got too much here already. Go to page 70 for more… [clickety click]