The one secret to a great sex life

Dorothy Blacks reveals what it takes to enjoy a rich and satisfying love life.

how to not get what you want

‘The best way to achieve your dream is to do nothing at all except wish upon a star.’

This is my favourite motivational quote said by no one ever.

Why? Because everyone knows that if you want to attain your dream anything you must put in the time and effort. You have to pitch up and get motivated. You gotta learn to communicate and network, upskill yourself and practice amplifying the positives and learning from the failures.

Seems so obvious, right?

But, while we accept these as truisms in our professional lives, when it comes to sex too many people behave as if a long-term relationship is a space you can sit your butt down in, not do a damn thing, and Cupid will bless you with eternal happiness and a fulfilling sex life.

And if this doesn’t happen?

Well, then there’s clearly something wrong with the relationship, or it’s not the right partner, or its just life dealing you a shitty hand.

Too many people behave as if a long-term relationship is a space you can sit your butt down in and Cupid will bless you with eternal happiness and a fulfilling sex life

We never assume the most obvious, which is that maybe we’re just not very good at the task at hand: how to love and sex well.

And maybe we never admit that we aren’t very good because we just expect stuff to fall into place with that one magical ‘just right’ person.

So we never ‘upskilled’ in the ways necessary to make sex in a love relationship good: we didn’t learn how to communicate well and honestly, or how to deal with conflict and failure; we didn’t learn sexy-time skills or learn healthy boundaries.

It’s the equivalent of sitting on your bed, just wish-wish-wishing your career dreams will come true.

The truth is, even with your one true love, if you want a satisfying sex life, you need to make the effort to grow, learn and get involved.

If you understand this, say researchers, you’re more likely to have a satisfying sex life.

well it’s not going to water itself

The University of Toronto conducted a study of 1 900 people looking at how their ‘sexpectations’ around their ‘ideal’ love and sex life helped or hindered them in maintaining satisfying sex lives.

Those who believed sexual satisfaction came down to finding a perfectly compatible partner were placed in the ‘sexual destinies belief’ category. Those who believed it comes from hard work and effort were placed in the ‘sexual growth belief’ category.

Not surprisingly, the peeps in the ‘sexual growth beliefs’ category ‘experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction’.

You want the secret to a great sex life? Make some effort

And why not? You reap what you sow etcetera etcetera.

The researchers point out, however, that most respondents displayed a cross-over in belief systems. Which is great, since no amount of effort can fix the problem of zero sexual chemistry or compatibility.

But if you’ve got something good and want the secret to a great sex life? Make some effort.

Learn skills. Check in. Pitch up. Talk. Get curious. Ask the difficult questions of yourself and each other. Nothing comes from doing nothing.

As that saying goes: ‘The grass is greener where you water it.’

Your sex life is no different.

This column was first published on W24.co.za