Farts, condom breaks and name drops – How to save the moment

Dorothy Black’s handy response guide to those awkward whoopee whoopsies

Picture it: It’s a balmy summer’s evening. You and Lover are draped over the satin sheets of your tulip-shaped bed, while a soft breeze rustles the silk curtains, filling the air with the sweet scent of rhododendrons.

Lover gives you a cheeky wink and slowly moves down until his face is tantalisingly close to your lady bits. A little giggle, a hoist of your hips … and then your traitor bowels expel a gusty fart brewed in the eighth circle of hell and­–

What happens next?

Do you die inside and trash your fantasy-novel sexcapade? No. You both have a bit of laugh at how extraordinary bodies can be and carry on.

Except that’s also a bit of a fantasy for most people, hey?

Because many people struggle talking about the fun stuff, let alone the awkward stuff, and confidence can fail when vulnerabilities are laid bare.

So, to help you with the next bedroom whoopee whoopsie, I present your handy response guide:

Queefing and farting

Queefing is when you expel trapped air from your vagina (you know what I’m talkin’ about, yoga friends) and farting is, well, farting. Either way, it’s no big deal. Bodies are squishy, wet weirdos with a will of their own and no concern for your sensibilities. So, have a laugh and change position (penetrative sex can push air into you).

Top tip: if someone tries to shame you for this, don’t take it on board, but have a conversation about their issues when you’re ready and if the interaction is worth the effort.

You call out your ex’s name

Whoa! Listen, this can happen for any lame reason, but convincing your partner that it’s meaningless is going to take some full-on apologising and soothing. Whatever you do, don’t pretend it didn’t happen. If the name slips out and your guy hears it and takes it seriously, stop the action and talk about it.

(I don’t generally do the name calling during sex, but I do forget names which is a whole other problem. ‘Oh t.. um … ta … ti …? Oh fuckit nevermind.)

The condom breaks

Stop. Relax. If the latex is still inside of you, your partner might have to help you get it out. If you’re not on contraceptives, take the morning after pill within 72 hours. If it’s a one-nighter, also get tested in two weeks. Next time, make sure your condoms are new and use lube, it will help keep the latex from tearing.

He loses his erection

Want a long and satisfying sex life with this person? Do. Not. Roll. Your. Eyes. If it’s the first time, dude may be nervous as hell and his peen will do the sad pug. It’s also normal for an erection to come and go over a long session and if his mind is preoccupied or he’s feeling insecure it’ll reflect in his boner. No shaming, no blaming.

Chill out and lay off the thrusting action. Want to go deep? Use the opportunity to discuss your feelings and socially-constructed body prejudices and gender stereotypes. Otherwise, take the pressure off with some gentle touching or enjoy some exhibitionist self-pleasure.

Remember, we’re all just humans muddling along the best way we know how. Cultivating a good sex life depends on the capacity to accept reality over the fantasy.

So viva la queef!

This column was first published on W24.co.za