Let’s chat about erogenous zones because one touch doesn’t fit all

Do you know how and where to work your erotic touch, asks Dorothy Black…

A joke did the rounds a while ago that illustrated men and women’s erogenous zones in the form of a remote control: his had only one button – his penis – while hers was just a mess of buttons everywhere.

Geddit? Men are so simple and women are sooooo complicated. Hilarious.

This sort of stereotyping does everyone an injustice when it comes to good loving. So, here’s a short primer as to how erogenous zones work for bodies – no matter what sex they are.

Painting by Jana Brike


Your skin is covered in nerve-receptors and where they’re closer to the surface – like with your lips, fingertips, genitals, inner thighs, perineum and nipples – the greater pleasure it can deliver.

However, whether a touch is pleasurable depends on how your brain is wired for it. For example, it’s thought that some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation because the sensory pathways in their brain for the nipples and the genitals converge.

whether a touch is pleasurable depends on how your brain is wired for it

It also depends on your experiences and how your mind interprets erotic touch. If you’ve had a painful or shaming experience involving your nipples, for example, you might not interpret touch around this area as pleasurable.

Some people like their ears being sucked, others don’t.

That’s why you must talk about what works for you and, if you want to go deeper, ask why it does or doesn’t work.


The ultimate erotic zone, right? The penis and clitoris are both hotbeds of nerve-endings, with the clitoral structure enjoying apparently about 8 000 and the penis about 4 000 of these electrical yummies.

More than that, they’re organs that experience vasocongestion: on arousal they enjoy increased blood flow which heightens their sensitivity.

With so much going on ‘down there’ the options for sensation are vast, so play around with – and don’t be shy about – different kinds of touch and pressure. I find this especially true for the pussy.

Let’s take a moment here, shall we…
Touching the female genital area is usually fraught with bad education, ignorance and terrible experiences.

When a young woman or girl first experiences touch from someone else in a sexual manner, and especially penetrative touch, it’s often the nervous fumbling or aggressive rutting of an inexperienced boy’s fingers or, horrifically, the digits of an abusive adult.

Neither of these experiences make touch around the pussy a generally agreeable memory for many women.

And if men and women are not educated on how to touch and pleasure the pussy, this discomfort doesn’t change with age.

Understand, essentially, that when you are touching the labia, clitoris and vagina of the female sex, there is a wide range of touch to stimulate the erectile tissue and nerve endings in each of these areas.

Every time you’re mentally and physically lazy with your touch a fairy dies

When aroused, the clitourethrovaginal complex really is more than the sum of its parts.

Touch here can range from stroking and pulsing, to slapping, pinching, pulling and pushing. It can be gentle, rough, teasing and taking. It all depends on the confidence of the touch and where she is in her cycle (which will affect sensitivity), where she is emotionally and what is hot for her erotically speaking.

To figure this all out – YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT and PLAY. This goes for owners of pussies and those playing with them.

Every time you’re mentally and physically lazy with your touch a fairy dies. Just remember that.

The overlooked

Which unsuspecting body parts make you wriggle with shy delight when they’re touched? For me it’s my armpits. And if you kiss the back of my neck and knees, I’m yours. The parts of your body that are unused to erotic touch are usually very sensitive to it.

Your mind

They say your brain is your biggest sex organ, and as far as conjuring up fantasies and making sexy visual and emotional connections, it can’t be beat. Let it work its erotic magic by sharing your fantasies, role playing and enjoying your own internal movie.

Just a footnote to this though: Your mind can also be the biggest shot of Novocain to your libido if you’re stressed, distracted, angry or sad.

Stop fucking and talk about what you’re feeling

Good sexual touch can be an amazing healer in these instances, but you gotta open your mouth and talk about where you’re at in your head and heart. Yes. Stop fucking and talk about what you’re feeling. It’s okay to do so. The fucking isn’t going to go anywhere. When you get back to it, it’ll be better – probably different – but better.

This goes for all people, no matter what’s dangling between your legsies.

Who’s doing the touching

Sometimes your principle erogenous zone is the relationship you have with the person you’re sexing: they could be making all the right moves, but if you’re just not into them or the situation, nothing is going to magically switch you on. Sorry for you and the relationship.

Practice – Get busy touching

Take the time to work your way from head to toe, front and back, using different kinds of touch (gentle, pinching, pulling, biting, stroking, kissing…), use toys and sex accessories (think feather ticklers, paddlers and ice), and get handsy with massage oil. Explore it all and keep checking in with each other about what feels good and what doesn’t.

You’re welcome.

This piece was first published in edited form on W24.co.za