I hope you don’t mind, but I would like some advice. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have never had any other partners. Our intimate life has always been rocky. He’s always had difficulty reaching orgasm. Even so we’ve had three children with the help of interventions.
I find it easy to find pleasure, but he has difficulty doing so which makes sex long and arduous, and I often find it difficult to continue.
Lately, I’ve felt a little panicked during it as it seems to take forever. He is very kind and considerate and will stop if I ask him to, but I feel guilty that he hasn’t had any pleasure.
My question is how, other than lip service, which I don’t really enjoy can I help him achieve an orgasm I’m a quicker time?
A few years back I had a guy post me a question along the same lines. Here’s what I answered him; this is the gist of it:
- It’s called ejaculatory inhibition.
- It could be due to medication or health issues – is he on antidepressants, is his business in good working order (has he had his pipes, muscles, balls, hormone levels checked etc – there could be a blockage or nerve damage)
- Mostly the white coats believe this is a psychological/emotional issue – Is there a big history of shame, guilt or trauma around sex and ejaculating? Are there religious or cultural inputs affecting this?
- Is he getting the sex he wants? Does he know what he wants? Have you two ever had this conversation? (If it’s “dirty talk” he needs, this is where you’d discuss it.)
- Can he come easily when he masturbates? Has he ‘trained’ his brain and physiology to respond to a certain kind of touch?
Consider also that orgasm is a moment of vulnerability and intense release that some people find difficult to release into with someone else, for all sorts of psychological, emotional and historical reasons.
So, you see, it’s not like there’s a magic word you can use to unlock this. Or, at least, there is a magic phrase, and it’s: ‘Let’s talk about this.’
And in this case, ‘this’ is going through the list above.
So if you’re going to want to address the issue here – what’s really informing his experience – you’re going to have to have a courageous conversation about it.
You also need to address your feelings of guilt and your own expectations around the sex experience.
Another point to consider is the unspoken, and maybe unconscious, pressure you or your relationship may be putting on him, either in the form of expectations around sex or the love relationship. You also need to address your feelings of guilt and your own expectations around the sex experience.
You could both, together or as individuals, consider therapy and counselling if you can’t navigate these questions by yourselves or with each other. You could consider exploring different ways to touch and interact sexually that don’t involve penetration or the expectation of orgasm.
Whatever you do, start the courageous conversation.
Whatever you do, start the courageous conversation that asks ‘why?’. Even if you have to practice first by saying: ‘This is a problem for me, please go see your GP to cancel out any physical problems.’
So. Good luck with that. I wish there was an easier way to deal with this, but there isn’t.
Unfortunately, people mostly think that problems in the realm of sex and sexual expression, and all the nuances and all the endless inputs that influence our experience of this, is something that can be ‘fixed’ or ‘dealt with’ with a dildo or a feather tickler, but it isn’t.
Ok, SOMETIMES it is. But mostly it isn’t.
love and belly rubs,